NOT in the slow lane, YET
The blog is about living life after 70 with joy, resilience, and purpose. NOT in the slow lane, YET is a source of positive, helpful advice encouraging people to set and achieve goals and find joy in life. The blog will cover personal experiences and thoughts and concerns. Topics of blogs will be health, retirement, fashion, travel, and living in continuing care retirement communities. The blogs will be short and appear once a month on my website, www.nadineblock.com, or by email if you choose. Come walk with me.
THE DEATH DRAGON AND ME
It is January, the time for making New Year resolutions…
New Year’s resolutions date back to the Babylonians, who pledged their goals to lead better lives to the gods four thousand years ago. Today, the resolutions are becoming sectarian promises for self-improvement.
Try to eat a balanced diet every day. Get more daily exercise. Quit smoking. Quit drinking. Practice meditation. Think about death.
Think about death.
WHOOPS! Should thinking about death fall on a New Year’s resolution list?
If we confront that uncharted territory—death—we can learn how to live more fully and happily. We will not avoid it, so I will give myself a pep talk now.
There is a saying about slaying your dragons before breakfast: “Remember to slay your dragons before breakfast so they don’t eat your lunch.” This saying propels me into my morning fitness program. I do not want the fitness dragon following me all day, chiding me to get moving, go to the gym, or go for a walk. I already have a “nanny watch” (smartwatch) that thumps my arm while seated at my desk. “Stand up!” it flashes.
In my old age, thinking about death is sometimes uncomfortable. I acknowledge and plan for it but try to live daily with intention and joy. If I think about it, examine my options, and share my thoughts with my family, prepare my will and other documents, I will find peace.
I will slay the dragon.
Some people may reject reading about this subject. My writing goal is to make people feel more comfortable with death and even a bit joyful. Some people cannot deal with thinking about death. Thinking about death can interfere with mental well-being. Symptoms can include panic attacks, shortness of breath, chills, nausea, dizziness, and even suicidal ideation. These are the extremes. Understanding the causes of these symptoms is the first step. It is sometimes linked to physical illnesses and prolonged grief. Seeing a physician and a mental health specialist to assess root causes and get help dealing with them is indicated.
How do I envision my death?
I hope I am given a diagnosis of a short, terminal illness. I will say, “AHA, I often wondered what would get me.” I would request a Hospice member on my medical team and proceed to decide how much intervention I need and want.
I would go home and cry for a day or two.
I would contact my clergyman, accept his help, and make peace with God.
I would ask a family person(s) to be with me while I am actively dying.
I want to die in my bedroom, with warm socks covering my feet, a comfortable blanket, a soft light, and clean linens. I like fresh flowers nearby and the smooth sounds of classical music, hymns, or spoken psalms.
MAYBE IT WON’T HAPPEN THAT WAY.
I may have no warning. I might splat on the way to the mailbox. Either would be a good death.
I have already included dying wishes in my directives: https://www.mydirectives.com/ My signed Medical Power of Attorney allows me to designate a person to make medical decisions on my behalf and act as my healthcare agent who makes choices on treatment, surgery, medication, and end-of-life care if I can’t communicate my wishes.
I have prepaid my funeral and a resting place for my urn. My executor has copies of the funeral contract, costs, and burial plans.
My executor and attorney, who have the documents, will fulfill my wishes as best as they can. I am trying to give them the information they need to do so.
Check, check…dying is taken care of for now.
How did I learn about death?
Our experiences with death, our culture, our family experiences and teachings, our cognitive development, and our physical and mental health influence our thoughts about death and dying.
I live in a senior retirement community where the average age of our three hundred and fifty residents is eighty-four. Through my living room window in independent living, I regularly see EMTs pull up to the main building with silenced horns and flashing lights. I pray for their patient…it may be a trip to the hospital for a fall or other emergency. It may be a death. An obituary with flowers on a table near the reception desk may follow a few days later. We quietly honor the person, wish them well on their journey, and offer our condolences.
It is a regular part of our life.
We have all encountered death since childhood. A family dog dies. A grandparent dies. A neighbor dies. My parents took us to “viewings” and funerals. They treated funerals as social events, a time to see old friends and remember the deceased’s life.
Growing up on a dairy farm gave me intimacy with death. Animals were slaughtered for food—the baby calves we fed as children were trucked to the butcher to become veal. My favorite cow, “Rosie,” was shipped to the hamburger factory when her milk production slowed with age. I was ten years old. It saddened me so much that I authored a book dedicated to her, “Remembering Rosie: Memories of a Wisconsin Farm Girl.” Writing that memoir brought childhood death and dying memories to life.
As a college student, I worked as an aide in a university hospital. It was a large hospital where sick people from around the state were brought in primarily for diagnostic purposes. I was frequently sent to sit with dying people and even take their bodies to the morgue. I learned a lot about medicine, death, and dying.
My experiences with death have influenced my thinking. They were sad, but they made death normal to me, a part of living.
How have studies, teachings, and books influenced my thinking about death?
I am influenced by the work of Erik Erikson, a German American developmental psychologist known for his theory on the psychological development of humans. He developed a series of eight stages that a person passes through from infancy to old age—being healthy means successfully negotiating social crises of those stages. Even at the late stage of life, we are still developing. He says if we are successful, we will feel proud of our accomplishments, have a general satisfaction with our life, and attain wisdom. Death is accepted as a natural part of the life span. If we fail at this stage, we will have despair, many regrets, and bitter feelings. I have thought about my accomplishments and am satisfied with my life. I believe I will continue to develop wisdom.
In “The Denial of Death,” Ernest Becker used the term “creatureliness” to compare our deaths to those of gnats. We all die. Only humans know that the swatter is hovering over our heads. The book influenced my thinking when I read it fifty years ago. It gave me a path of preparation, was not maudlin, and was even joyful.
Am I prepared to die and to lose family and friends through death?At my age, the exit door is nearby. Sad thoughts of death sometimes come to me. I have dealt with crises in life that almost brought me to my knees. Two sons, and my husband died in the last five years. I turned to controlled breathing, walking, meditation, and prayer to help me recover.
My ability to adjust to future deaths, my own and others, is unknown.
But fear and the anxiety of an unheeded Death Dragon is less likely to happen if I set out to conquer it.
A List of tools to slay the Death Dragon:
About two-thirds of people in the U.S. die without a will. Their term is “intestate.” The will is the most important legal document you should sign. It outlines how a person’s assets and property will be distributed after death.
Other documents you should sign before your death besides a last will are a Durable Power of Attorney, Health Care Directive (Living Will), and Revocable Living Trust. It is better to get legal help with the will and other documents. It may save money and prevent problems for your family and heirs. Your attorney may suggest you contact your tax preparer or financial advisor about tax issues on your estate.
Make funeral arrangements and designate a place of burial. Your survivors will appreciate your thoughtfulness and desire to make their job easier.
Get rid of “stuff,” like the size six dress hanging in your closet for when you lose weight or your grandmother’s opal ring you never wear. You will save your family work trying to figure out your wishes and time spent bagging things for charities.
Everyone has their list of “before I die” things to do. It may include mending a relationship, making plans for pets who outlive you, making plans for a special needs child, or writing legacy letters to grandchildren.
Discussing death can be difficult, but it can be helpful to talk to loved ones about your thoughts and feelings.
A therapist or counselor can provide support and guidance on dealing with thoughts about death.
Many religions and spiritual traditions offer guidance on death and dying.
If you can accomplish most of these things, the Death Dragon may try to hang out with you occasionally. However, it is a weak dragon. It will give you little or no fear.
That is my hope for everyone and me.
Enjoy your relationships. Continue to build new social contacts. Active social contacts are considered one of the best ways to age healthily.
Every day, focus on gratitude rather than negativity. Tell people how they make your life happy. Keeping a happiness journal can help you start.
Smile often. It can become a habit.
Embrace learning. It keeps you young.
Go on and live your life fully.
Want to know more?
Websites
Books:
“The Denial of Death” Free Press by E. Becker. (1973): A Pulitzer Prize winner (1974) and still relevant today.
“On Death and Dying” by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is a classic book on grief and loss stages.
“Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande: A book about medicine, aging, and end-of-life care.
Note: Gemini AI editing tools were used on 12-24-24 and 12-25-24.